I’ve been rethinking my stance on freedom of speech. The folks who try to ban great literature and other parts of the fabric of our country have always infuriated me. So I’ve decided to join them.
Of course, eliminating words goes against my longtime belief and support for our nation’s First Amendment. When other countries literally hang individuals for speaking against a tyrannical government, my heart aches. That’s why I love my country, because we have freedom of speech. Instead of being marched to the courthouse for capital punishment, I just have to defend myself from the wrath of the men’s table in the early morning hours at the Maple Street Diner.
So after careful consideration of my belief against banning words, welcome to the first edition of words I would like to eliminate for 2013.
No. 1 — Hubby — I’m not sure when this word became a frequent reference to a woman’s spouse, but lately it’s used quite often among females. For example, “You won’t believe what my sweet hubby gave me for Valentine’s Day.” If you’ve been married for less than a year and you call your man “hubby,” I’ll give you a pass on this one. After a year of marriage, however, any references to “my hubby” may translate to “my issues.”
No. 2 — Peeps — This is the latest buzzword used to refer to “people.” For example, “I’m going out on the town this weekend to hang out with my peeps.” Furthermore, I recently discovered a new page on Facebook called “Spin Peeps” referring to my indoor bicycling class I belong to at Club Fitness. I refuse to be called a “Peep.” Instead, I’d rather be called “that extremely tired person who got out of his bed at 5 a.m. to workout so he can justify eating Big Chic later in the week.”
No. 3 — We’re pregnant — When did guys start using this phrase? A man may go with his wife to birthday parties, help with the laundry or even decide to watch “The Bachelor” with his favorite female, but one thing he can’t say is he’s pregnant. The better option is to keep your mouth closed and share a bowl of ice cream with the mother of your future child.
No. 4 — Alot— Since most of us slept through our high school English classes, let me become your teacher. There is no such word as “alot.” It’s two words — “a lot.”
No. 5 — Boneless chicken wings — I hope Big Chic never offers these items on its menu. As a fried chicken aficionado, I believe wings are meant to be eaten off the bone. What’s in a McNugget, anyway?
No. 6 — Amazing — I actually like this word, but it’s overused. If you ever watch an episode of “The Bachelor,” the women competing constantly refer to the bachelor as “amazing.” He’s not “amazing.” The man who puts his head in the lion’s mouth at the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is “amazing.”
I’m not sure if the elimination of these words will improve our country. Therefore, I’ve decided to change my mind and return to my belief of freedom of speech. My conscience refuses to support banning any words, literature or great works of art. I guess these words will just have to remain in our nation’s vocabulary for 2013 after all. So if any of you “peeps” decide to eat “alot” of “boneless chicken wings,” make sure you offer one to your sweet “hubby.” He’ll feel more confident when he shouts to the world, “We’re pregnant!”
Garrett is a Carrollton resident and businessman. You can read more of his columns at joegarrett1.wordpress.com or contact him at email@example.com.